August 15, 2012
Tips for the Tipper – Lap Dance Etiquette
September 3, 1969: a date to remember. (To think: just two years prior, traffic in Sweden was on the left side of the road and not the right!) That day, September 3rd, 1969, changed the face of sexual frustration forever. It was the day that topless clubs in the United States became bottomless.
The ostensibly “liberal” changes made to strip clubs since the sexual revolution have led to increasing nudity and contact between patrons and dancers. These blessings are coupled, however, with increasingly regulated behavior and increasing costs for services rendered. In this way, America’s strip clubs have exposed (ahem) something larger (ahem) going on in our society. It’s more of the same: objectification, but different. The illusion of exoticism and adventure are there, but if you reach out to pet the lion, you might pull back a nub.
So if your father, wholly submerged in a mid-life crisis, is planning to vicariously relive his glory days by bringing you to a gentlemen’s club, first tell him it’s a strip club, and second, tell him the rite-of-passage may not be what he expects. (Don’t spank her, Dad, she’s a bartender).
Tell dad that the act of preparing for a lap dance begins far before you enter the club. Look presentable: shave, shower, and wear clean clothes. Take off your wedding band. Don’t show up drunk (if your face is settled in your lap, it’s spatially impossible for someone to dance on it). If you don’t have money, leave.
When a dancer approaches you, make her feel comfortable. Don’t ask for a lap dance outright. Make her confident. Ask her questions. Don’t ask her where she went to college. Don’t ask if she has kids. Good questions are:
- “I’d be honored if you gave me a dance.”
- “Are you free for a dance?”
- “You’re the prettiest girl in here, would you mind giving me a dance?”
If she says yes, ask about rates up front. Let’s be honest, strippers are good, good, people—some of the best—but settle the rate beforehand. And never, ever, give them your credit card.
If you’ve made it this far without sexually harassing anyone, you’ve set a rate, and your girl is doing her thing, keep in mind one last thing: she is leading. No matter how excited you get, don’t dry hump (you’re in public, dude, and you’re sitting next to your dad), talk dirty, or touch the dancer anywhere unless she says it’s ok. No means no.
Don’t mention your problems, your wife. Don’t fall in love and turn into Liam Neeson from Taken. You’re not a philanthropist; you’re having dry sex; play by the rules. And don’t wear sports shorts. That’s been done. It’s pathetic.