August 16, 2012
4 Steps to Not Getting Caught
There’s nothing like a night out at the strip club to recharge your batteries and reset your outlook on life. Slaving away at the office day after day, or even browsing the wanted ads in your underwear, can wind you up in a way that only a dollar dance can undo. Unfortunately, the ladies in our lives (the non-stripper ones) don’t always share the same positive feelings about gentleman’s clubs. The last thing you want to do is wash away every trace of your night of fun, but that’s the sacrifice you may have to make to be able to enjoy a few hours of fun.
If you have a lady waiting at home, odds are that she’s not a fan of you spending your time and money ogling other naked women. Plus, you probably already told her that you hate strip clubs and never go to them, didn’t you? Oh well, here are some steps to follow so you can have your night on the town without suffering the consequences.
Step One: Removing All That Glitters
Glitter is known for being next to impossible to remove from clothing and skin. Washing your hands and face, or taking a shower, often get the job mostly done, but that’s not going to cut it if your special lady is suspicious of your late night escapades and willing to put you in the doghouse for minor transgressions like paying gorgeous, young women to grind their bodies on and near yours. Many a man has had the perfect night out foiled by a tiny, twinkling square that caught the moonlight just as they walked through the door or slipped into bed. Even if she is half asleep when you get back, you’re about to have some explaining to do if you don’t remove every single one of those little beacons of bad behavior.
The solution for removing stripper glitter from your clothing and skin can be found at any supermarket, pharmacy, or party store, and should be easy to find, even in the wee hours. What you’re looking for is a roll of tape. Preferably masking tape, but most kinds will do the trick. You’re going to want to wrap your hand with it, sticky side out of course, and blot any area that might contain the shimmering evidence of your night of sin. You should wash away the adhesive residue the tape will leave on your skin, but other than that, you’re ready to declare yourself glitter-free.
You’re not ready to head home yet, though.
Step Two: Passing the Smell Test
Strippers are not known for their subtlety. That goes for dance moves, banter, and especially perfume. Your typical exotic dancer is going to be drenched in luscious, fruity smells from head to toe. Just being in the same room as them all night is going to significantly affect the odors your lady senses when you drag your club-addled body through the door. If you get a lap dance or visit a VIP room at any point in the night, then you really have something to worry about. Assuming you don’t have access to a shower before you head home, here’s a tip that will help you pass the smell test.
To overcome the strip club aroma, you have to fight fire with fire. Many people think this means you need to haul out even stronger cologne to cover the reek of perfume. One club in South Africa has reportedly even started selling after shave lotions with overpowering, themed scents like “My Car Broke Down,” which supposedly captures the essence of grease, burnt rubber, and fuel. No, in this case, fire means getting out your lighter and puffing away on a stogie. Cigars don’t just effectively cover smells, they will actually repel some women with sensitive noses or smoke allergies. She’ll keep her distance, and maybe even request that you take a shower, which you’ll be happy to do.
However, you’re still not ready to face the questioning line. There’s another step to consider.
Step Three: Cleanse Thy Mouth
You’ve taken care of your outer appearance, but now it’s time to destroy some of the internal evidence of a night at the club. Rinsing with mouthwash is an important step, and it’s not because you want to cover the alcohol on your breath. It seems like $10 drinks should taste different, but they don’t, so, even if she kisses you, she won’t know where you got them. You should use mouthwash because there are some things you don’t want to carry home with you from the club.
It may not come as a surprise to you that gentleman’s clubs are not considered the cleanest places on earth. If you and your mouth explored the contours of a young lady during a private dance or a visit to the VIP room, you’re going to want to do some germ killing afterward. Memories are one thing, but you don’t need to bring home this part of the club experience. Save yourself and your lady from exposure to stripper germs and you’ll have a better chance of getting away with it.
Now that your mouth is clean, you’re ready to use your words.
Step Four: The Airtight Alibi
Now that you’ve washed away or covered the evidence, it’s time to think about the final, and most difficult, step of your plan to get away with a night at the strip club: creating an alibi. You’re going to have to convince her you were somewhere else. Rolling in at 4 a.m. without some explanation is probably not going to be acceptable. If it is, marry her. Or, wait, maybe that’s the last person you should marry. Either way, you should expect to have to say something appeasing to end the night without consequences.
There’s no formula for creating the perfect alibi. Your audience is the most important thing to keep in mind. If there is a topic that she finds particularly boring and insufferable, than your going to want to use that to your advantage. A bad story can be a good story. If your girl doesn’t like poker, just tell her you got roped into an all night card game. Before you can go into a detailed description of the craziest hand of the night, she’ll be begging for you to shut up and go to bed.
That’s all you should need to get away with a trip to the strip club.
The important thing is to commit to each step. Don’t hedge and convince yourself it’s better to not look too devoted to a lie, in case you get busted. Follow each step and you’ll stay out of the doghouse without sacrificing your manly needs.